* A WRiThing wRiteR

Do you know what that says? It says, “Until Break. 10 days and 4 hours.”

And yes, it’s going to change into “9 days and some hours” by tomorrow.

Such a fabulous program, isn’t it? It counts down automatically.

That thing is on my Korean blog, too. I have put it ther since a long time ago.

Dang it. This is not a good time to be sick & to be experiencing senioritis.

It feels like winter break is right around the corner. My heart pounds and churns so desparately at the thought of it.

I am a traveller at desert, yearning for an oasis…

What a metaphor for a student waiting for a break. Haha. But really, I’m THAT desparate.

It also feels like a far away dream. I don’t think it will ever come, no, not with this amount of work to do.

A week ago, I had deemed myself to be the most wretched being on earth. However, I have regained my tranquility now. After reading Frankenstein, I do not dare to declare myself as unfortunate. Although the tale of Frankenstein is completely fictional, it has stricken me with an extreme shock. The tale unfolds endless list of sorrowful death and miseries, which I cannot get accustomed to even after finishing the anecdote.

Oh, forget about writing in Shelley’s style. I can’t help but make it sound like myself. So, yeah. I’m done with Frankenstein (which means, alas, there is probably going to be a test on the book). Really, I knew how nonsensical all this thing was, but I couldn’t help being plunged into the book. I admit that one of the reasons I found it interesting was because it was easier to read than Heart of Darkness… That’s not the point. The point is… this book saved me from despair. Frankenstein’s life seems so unreal not only because he creates a monster but also because he faces so much misery. It’s almost ridiculous that he continues his life. If I were him, I would’ve committed suicide a long time ago. Anyways, that’s not the point again. What was it? Oh yeah, it saved me. These past few weeks… or even months, I was in a deep, deep slump.

Like a fallen angel. This is my allusion to Frankenstein as well as Paradise Lost! …Huh? Sorry. As you can see from my previous posts, my mind was almost literally delusional. But how could I continue to be so miserable when I was reading Frankenstein? I mean, at least all my “beloved ones” were safe. I didn’t create a monster either.

So, my conclusion. Yes, it all depends on how I view my life. I forget this too often.
Yes. My application process is like… unspeakable, but, so what? I’ll be okay.

Photo credit:
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/3853284/2/istockphoto_3853284_frankenstein_vector_illustration.jpg

During AP stats class

What should I do today at home… oh my god i’m so sleepy. I have stats test on Thursday… i better study because I’m getting a really low grade on this. it’s so stressful. i’m so incompetent. it’s impossible to focus now because i’m really really sleepy. i must look stupid, my mouth should look like a large ‘O’ to mr. m right now. i’m gaping horribly. i think mr. m’s nice. I heard he got a lot of peperos today. i should’ve worked harder. i feel so stupid. it is so tranquil and peaceful here. i don’t feel as tensed up as usual. i must be really really nervous about everything. why am i doing so bad? oh well, i feel calm now. maybe because i’m sleepy.

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Right now

and so on. I thought this was worth writing down because this is like my first time that i wasn’t thinking about universities unconsciously. i gave up on forgetting about grades. they are gnawing on me every moment i spend and every breathe i take. i wish this wasn’t the case. i know i should stop, stop, stop. stop worrying. stop stressing out. well, doesn’t this show how serious and terrible my situation is now? all i can care about right now are grades, and i hate those who only care about their grades. the sad thing is that my grades are horrible unlike those of people who are obsessed with grades. It’s going to get better. it’s okay. no, it’s not. my whole being is shaken and stirred by GRADES. how horrid is this? I wish i could escape this system of human society. because i’m losing, i am at the bottom of the pyramid. i remember the Socrates thing that i learned during AP English class. i didn’t want to admit this, but i belong to the lower world. I care about secular things, i give into desires and instincts too often, and i am not intellectual. I believed i was one of those people who were much more… say, philosophical? than others. or at least i was the least concerned with grades? I cared about it, but not as much because i was doing fine. now, the world is horrible. i’m living the life that i despised, and i don’t know how to fix it. oh my god i hate myself. hahahaaahaha. save me.

all i can talk about is grades? and how horrible i am? i guess i fell harder than ever in my life, i hit the bottom. save me, save me, save me.

photo:http://kashaniarts.com/images/paintings/precipice.jpg

My grades are dropping like hell. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t help but think I’m STUPID.  I can’t believe I’m actually getting these grades. It’s certainly not senioritis because it’s not the time for it yet. I’m just way too depressed about everything. I don’t feel satisfied with anything these days. My life basically… sucks. A LOT. I can sum it up to three reasons.

1. My writing sucks, I wish I was allowed to write in Korean instead of English. It’s just that I feel so awkward at writing in English. This really sucks, since I would be writing college essays like crazy from now on. I hate the stamp policy. Well, maybe these essays would ease up the pain in writing.

2. I am disappointed at my grades, but I am more disappointed at the fact that my grades have changed the way I view myself. My self-esteem and confidence disappeared gradually but quickly throughout the first quarter. All my energy and eagerness dissipiated, and I would be doomed if I cannot restore them soon. I used to be super energetic and confident in everything except for math. I doubt my talent deeply.

3. …

Hmm. While writing this post, I somehow regained my strength. Yeah. This is my third reason. I have a serious mood swing. Because staying in this mood would be fatal to my grades even more, I try my hardest to become more optimistic. This effort does work, and my mood elevates soon. But it can also drop very quickly. The situation is serious..l.y…… screwed up, so it’s that much harder to keep my head up.

Despite the situation, I try hard because otherwise, I would be over. I know this was such a… boring topic but I couldn’t think of anything else. How could I, when my life is such a tragedy.

The physical burden of schoolwork and college applications is bearable. It’s the psychological burden that overwhelmes me to the brink of mental breakdown. I deem my current situation as a seriously unhealthy state to my mind and body, thus I’ve decided to provide my brain little sweets.

This is a list of my desired to-dos. This is legitimate from December 12, the beginning of winter break.

1. DIET. at least 3kg off

2. Shopping like crazy

3. Reading at least one book at least a week (not only from literature but also from other subjects)

4. Reading newspaper everyday

5. Learning Japanese, French, Chinese, and other languages

6. Expanding vocabulary

7. Cleaning up my room including every closet and desk drawer

8. Hanging out at least once a week

9. Earning money by “tutoring” English to little kids

10. Visiting famous places in Korea at least twice a month

11. Going to movies, musical performances, or plays at least once a month

12. Getting straight As

13. Going to at least two trips a semester

14. Talking with friends on the phone or at coffee shops for hours

15. Learning time management

16. Volunteer works at least three times a month

17. Uploading blog posts at least twice a week (also for my naver blog)

18. Practicing writing

19. Learning makeup skills

20. Getting to know more people

21. Sleeping before 11 EVERYDAY and still keeping up with everything.

22. Laughing everyday

23. Reflecting on the day before going to bed and feeling happy about it

24. Singing, singing, singing.

25. Going to museums and exhibitions

26. Scheming some great plans with friends

27. Being really really nice to people

28. Preparing myself for college

29. Learning how to socialize

30. Growing morally, intellectually, and maybe… physically

31. TO BE CONTINUED. HAHAHA.

Yesssssss, I want to do soooo many things. These are my hopes for now.

It’s not like my life sucks. Well, maybe just a little bit.

But I’m hanging on there with these images tightly clutched in my hands.

I am a vulnerable subject to basic instincts, but I am aware fully of obligations at the same time. Now, this is a real pain in the butt. I know this is part of life, but I wish I could be on only one side. I want to be able to either ignore all my obligations or resist all temptations.

I heard about this experiment with… marshmallows. The researchers gave four-year-olds one marshmallow, and told them that they will give them one more if they would wait patiently. It turned out that four-year-olds who waited for the second marshmallow had better jobs, more money, happier relationships, etc.

But… I don’t know. What if your goal is to “carpe diem”? My goal is to get those two marshmallows at the same time. Life is more complex than that, I don’t believe in “no pain, no gain.” I believe that I can gain and have no pain at the same time. I have no superego, little ego, and a lot of id. I need to do what I want to do, and the only way to do this is to make what I need to do into what I want to do.

Exaggeration.

Lie.

Pretense.

Assumption.

Fiction.

Revision.

Filter.

Summary.

Change.

Instance.

Implication.

Remains.

Memory.

Moment.

Attempt.

Fame.

Popularity.

Relation.

Community.

Clique.

Chain.

Prison.

Intention.

Contemptuous, because she wanted it and was not allowed to have it,

and because it became a shameful desire.

I would like to think of her as a poor little girl who needed help.

photo credit: http://myskitch.com/irsis/abel-20071022-211924.jpg

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Coldplay – Viva La Vida

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy’s eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
“Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!”
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
Once you go there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn’t believe what I’d become
Revolutionaries Wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
I know Saint Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

Hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can’t explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

My writing is awkward, my facial expressions are awkward, my conversations are awkward, my speech is awkward… I am a little…………. awkward. I had forgotten about my awkwardness until the word surfaced up again recently, or maybe I just got so used to it that I no longer bother to recognize it anymore.

Just in everyday life, in the hallway, on blogs, in classrooms, I wonder how natural and comfortable everyone looks and talks. They just fit in to the situation, they know exactly what to say and how to say it.

After all, one year in the states and four years in KIS have been struggles against my awkwardness. A on my grade report hasn’t replaced my Awkwardness………………..

But awkwardness doesn’t hurt my feelings or confidence as much as it used to before. I just can’t afford to.

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I was reading about Arabic society around 7th century in World Civilizations, my world history textbook. When I came across the section on women’s positions, I was shocked by the changes described in the book.

The women in Arabic society initially enjoyed greater freedom and equality than women in other parts of the world. Muhammad, the founder of Islam, worked under his wife before marrying her and continued to respect her after marriage. Women could possess properties just as men did and could work just as men. Even though women were held inferior than men, Muhammad, who established ethical and cultural values in Arabic countries, emphasized the equality of all individuals under Allah, thus the equality between genders.

However, as Arabic expanded into Persia and Byzantine empire, Arabians adopted the practices of suppression on women. I never knew that Arabic women did not have to wear long veils until the Arabians started conquering countries around them and absorbing their subject countries’ social values.

So far, this is like a summary of what I read from my textbook. And because this “story” is from textbook, it might sound boring and unimportant. But this piece of history reminded me of the book The Handmaid’s Tale, one of the most influential and disturbing book I’ve read. This book is a story about a woman who suffers under the shift of the government. She has been just a free woman with a job, children, properties, and husband. But as a regime changes, the government takes away everything from her, including her freedom.

And to me, this story sounds almost identical to the chapter I read from my history textbook. The women in the histroy book used to yell back to those who scolded them for not wearing the long veils, arguing that Allah had given them beautiful faces so that they could show the superiority of Allah’s creations. After the interaction with other countries, these women were forced to wear veils and to be locked in their homes.

The Handmaid’s Tale scratched me, and my wound hasn’t healed yet. And from foul, faint fear  I feel rising up in me, I know that this history book has scrubbed the scar.

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Photo credit
http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z191/dtmedia/profile.jpg
http://images.ciao.com/iuk/images/products/normal/207/product-5890207.jpg
http://www.eng.fju.edu.tw/worldlit/canada/handmaid.JPG

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